My heart hurts today

Last night I settled in a chair and watched one of my favorite show's "ER". It was the season finale and there are 3 main characters that are leaving the show this year and some of my favorites. I didnt think that the show would affect me like it did. I wasnt prepared to see some of the scenes. Brad always says that he doesnt understand why I like to watch a show that is so sad and depressing. Truth be told, I have never thought of it like that at all. I like dramas, and the medical stuff has always intrigued me (yes, I know it is all made for TV). There are also actually "good things" that happen on the show too. I broke down and couldnt stop thinking about my grandfather and all of the change that I about to be faced with. ER really had nothing to do with this at all, but being sad about Luka, Abby, and Greg leaving on the show made it more of a reality I think. I think I cried myself to sleep, at least that is what I remember. I couldnt help think of all of the memories that I have with this special man, my Pawpaw ; many tractor rides, trips to the farm, sitting in the back of his truck with a moon pie and orange crush, him teaching me to ride my bicycle, him calling me "Punkin" till I was a teenager and probably didnt appreciate it as much then, and just sitting in his lap when I was a baby (although I dont actually remember this he would remind me all the time that I was the first and only grandchild that would sit with him on his recliner and take my bottle). I am sure that was very special to him, just like those other moments were so special to me. The truth is that I want Connor to know him. Yes, he has seen him many times but at his age he hasnt really been impacted by most relationships at this point. I want him to have memories with him, like I had with my great grandparents. I was fortunate enough to know both sets of g-grandparents on my Mom's side.

Going to my Grandma and Pawpaws house was always one of my favorite places to go. I spent pretty much every holiday and many birthdays there. I know that God has a plan, and I am fully prepared to accept whatever that might be. But that doesnt make it any easier, unfortunately. Nothing has changed with Pawpaw, he is resting in his room being heavily sedated. Yesterday they decided that his lungs were not improving like they should be so they decided that the only option left was to put him on a ventilator. I have been praying this whole time for that not to be the case, but unfortunately it needed to happen if his condition is going to improve. I was going to go the ICU last night, but decided not to because he was going to be asleep anyway so that his lungs could rest and I knew there would probably be a better time to go. Mom warns me that it is not a pretty sight to see him like this, but I have the need to go nonetheless. I also would like to pray for His perfect timing in all of this. As most of you know Brett is getting married in over two weeks, and it is going to be a very happy time for our family. You can see where I am going with this. Even though it is most likely not going to be possible for Pawpaw to be there, I hope that he is on his way to getting well by then.

I just finished an awesome book called "The Shack" by William Young that I borrowed from my sweet friend Carrie. Thanks girl! I am starting the other one now. I cant help but think that it couldnt have been a better time for me to have read this. I wont ruin it for those of you who have not read it or are interested in doing so but it deals with a family that wrestles with the timeless question, "Where is God in a world so filled with unspeakable pain?" It is a great read and would recommend it to anyone.

Thank you for your prayers and by listening to me. I usually dont do posts like this, but I thought it might be easier for me to get these things off of my chest. More pictures to come on home improvements and of course, Connor in the very near future. It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend and we have a lot planned! Happy Friday!